Only trust the ones you love
by sophie3006
Summary: Sam has an adopted son, but worried about what her friends (or a certain friend beginning with T) might think she has kept him a secret for four years and has coped fine. But now she's starting to struggle as stress at work and home begins to rise and past memories begin to resurface… Will Sam let Tom help her, or will she continue to push everyone away?
1. Chapter 1: Nightmare

**Hey, this is my first fanfic so sorry if its not very good... I can promise you there will be more Tom later on :) *btw, this takes place before Tom and Sam get together. Please R&R!**

She took deep breaths, calming down her shaking body. Her eyes were screwed tight with fear and her hands were balled up into tight fists around the bed sheet. She locked her jaws together to stop herself from screaming out. "It's not real Sam, it's not real." She whispered to herself over and over. Slowly, she peeled open her eyes and with a huge sigh of relief she laughed to herself under her breath, trying to stop the tears. Her clock showed the time 3:45 and it was beginning to get light outside; she would never get back to sleep now. The nightmares had started a few months ago – when the letter had arrived – the letter itself didn't bother her too much (that's what she kept telling herself anyway), it was the fact that there was a letter, labelled to HER address that made her blood go cold in fear.

Shivering, she silently got out of bed and padded down to the kitchen and began to make Ben's packed lunch. She flicked on the radio and began humming along to one of her favourite bands. She was just putting everything into a small lunchbox when a little head popped up behind the door. Seeing Sam he ran over and flung his arms around her neck,

"Hello," she laughed, giving him a little squeeze, "what are you doing up this early?"

"Can't sleep." He replied with a yawn.

"Why's that then, hey?" She asked him softly, stroking his blond/brown hair (which happened to be exactly the same colour as her own hair.) He didn't reply, just carried on hugging her with his thumb plastered firmly in his mouth. Sam could tell he was tired; he hadn't been sleeping well recently, but he was always very good about it and rarely woke her up. But most of the time she was up anyway, and he often came to find her. He was so young (only four) and yet so mature for his age. She smiled as he curled up in her arms with his head buried in her neck. Carefully she carried him through to her bedroom and laid him down on her bed, drawing the covers up to his chin. She kissed him on the top of his head and went back downstairs, looking behind her numerous times to check he was still sleeping.

She had a lot of paperwork to do that she hadn't had time to do at work and Zoe had made it very clear that it had to be done by the afternoon. Grumbling under her breath, she picked up her pen and began to fill in the endless forms. When she was about halfway through she began to get a headache which didn't seem to go away. Angry she knocked back her chair and rushed over to the medicine cupboard and grabbed out a packet of Paracetamol. What!? The packet was empty. She rummaged around at the back of the cupboard but there was no more. Whoa, she'd been having more headaches than she realised lately. Angrily she slammed the cupboard door closed, but instantly regretted doing so because it resulted in her headache tripling in pain. Rubbing her temples she began to flick through the diary to check if she had anything important happening that day. 10th… 11th… ah, the 12th of August. Her head was still aching from before and her vision had become all blurred but she managed to make out the neat writing: 'Ben has inset day – find a babysitter' Oh crap. She had completely forgotten! She had loads going on at work at the moment and an important meeting about her and a patient tomorrow, and Nancy (her neighbour, who looks after Ben after school) was on holiday. Oh god, she had not a clue what to do. She looked at the clock 6:45. She had to leave in half an hour if she was going to make it to work on time, and she wasn't exactly in Zoe's good books at the moment.

Exasperated she ran over to where she kept Ben's class list and read through it hoping to find somebody who lived nearby – but not too nearby that she would have to speak to them after today if she bumped into them on the street. Luckily there was one house that was about a seven minute drive away from her flat, and was only a tiny bit off-course from the ED. With her fingers crossed she quickly dialled the number and prayed for someone to pick up. To her surprise, a woman picked up just after the first ring and in a very cheerful voice, almost yelled "hello", causing Sam to move the phone away from her ear with a wince – that certainly hadn't helped cure her headache. Sam put on her best bright voice and tried to sound as 'mumsy' as possible without making herself cringe.

"Hi, is that…" she quickly scanned the list of names until she found the right person, "…William's mum? Oh yes hi, I'm Sam, Ben's Mum… ok, hi Julie… Yes, he and Ben are in the same class." As she began to speak the woman, now named Julie, began to get excited at the prospect of having another Mum to talk to, or talk _at_ as it turned out to be. She listened through clenched teeth as the women listed all of her son's achievements and cursed under her breath as she struggled to get a word in edgeways. "Yes… oh yes now-… So I was wonder-… would it be possib-" she had to fight her desperate need to just hang up there and then. Finally she got Julie's attention. "Oh yes, well I was wondering, seeing as the boys have an inset day today and I still have to go to work, would it be possible for him to come and stay with you just for today?" She bit her lip nervously. This conversation had to end soon; she didn't know how much longer she could take. "Oh thank you! Yes… Yes of course, I'll come and pick him up as soon as I finish at work… I've already packed him a lunch so you don't have to worry about that… Can I drop him off now? Yes, he's really well behaved – he'll be no trouble I can assure you… Yes, thanks again, bye… yes, you too… bye, see you later, bye" She peeled the phone of her ear and put it down with a sigh of disgust; she really disliked typical mums. They were always so annoying and with their fake laughs and smiles, AND they almost never worked and fell into that typical husband/wife stereotype. If she had ever had a child with Dylan, something that would never have happened anyway, she wouldn't have followed the crowd: she loved her job and nothing would ever stop her from doing it. Sam herself had never actually planned to have a child, especially not whilst she was single and a full time worker, but at the time she didn't have a choice. She shook her head slowly – the circumstances under which she had Ben were not nice at all.

She glanced at the clock. 7:10 – the conversation on the phone had taken much longer than she had anticipated. She quickly rushed upstairs and was relieved to find Ben already up and trying to get a jumper over his head. She laughed and went over to help him.

"Mummy, can I stay at home with you today?" She struggled to look him right in the eye because she was worried he'd see the guilt in her eyes.

"I've got an even better idea!" He looked at her wearily, still holding her gaze – others found his eyes off putting; much like Sam he could continue staring someone in the eye without backing down, but neither of them realised. "Why don't you spend the day with a friend from school? William lives close to us and if you like it there then you can go round again." She laughed as he gave her a typical 'Are you serious?' look (a look that wouldn't have looked out of place on a teenager) and pulled him down onto her lap. "Look, I'm really sorry Ben, it's only for one day" He still looked grumpy; His face was scrunched up tight and he had his arms crossed tightly over his body. "I have to say I don't blame you, his Mum is very annoying" She whispered in his ear and then laughed as she watched his attempt as he tried to keep a straight face and remain serious. "Come on grumpy! What about if I give you a little piece of chocolate to help you survive?" She looked at him questioningly as he thought about the offer.

"But what about Todd? He'll feel left out if I get some chocolate and he doesn't" He was of course talking about his favourite teddy.

"Well we'll have to give him a piece as well, wont we" This seemed to satisfy Ben as he jumped up off Sam's lap and tried to pull her up. "That's got you a bit more excited hasn't it now?" She laughed heaving herself up, grabbing Todd who was lying on the floor next to them and led Ben downstairs.

She took his lunch box out of the fridge, picked up her keys and left the house taking one quick look at the clock: 7:40. Her shift started in five minutes. Zoe was going to kill her.

**Well I hope you liked it... I'll update soon**


	2. Chapter 2: Forgetting

**Here's the next chapter, pls tell me what you think of it; good or bad - i would like to know :)**

Sam pulled up outside Julie's house and walked up to the front door, and holding tightly onto Ben's hand she rang on the doorbell, and prepared herself for who might be about to answer. Soon enough, a short, plump woman with a neat blond bob opened the door. She was wearing a knee length black skirt with a bright pink blazer and pink heels. Sam almost laughed out loud as Julie looked Sam up and down in shock; she obviously wasn't used to such anti-pinkness and lack of heels and makeup. Because the woman seemed to be frozen, Sam decided to speak up first.

"Hi, you must be Julie, I'm Sam, it's nice to meet you" She held out her hand and Julie shook it quickly before pulling her hand away.

"And you." She strained a smile, "Would you like to come in for a cup of tea?" Sam couldn't think of anything worse.

"Oh no, I would but I have to get to work." She turned to leave but Julie interrupted.

"Ooh, where do you work? Are you a teacher?"

"Actually no, I'm a doctor – I work in Holby City" She smiled secretly to herself as Julie looked even more taken aback than before.

"Does your husband stay at home then? How do you look after Ben?" Sam smiled sarcastically through clenched teeth.

"Actually, I don't have a husband – I'm single, and Ben and I cope very well, don't we Ben?" He smiled up at her and she gave him a quick kiss on the head before Julie could reply. "I'll see you later then, is about seven-ish ok?" Julie just about managed to nod and give a slightly stuttered goodbye before Sam gave Ben Todd and got back into her car. She gave Ben a little wave and drove off quickly; she was going to be so late!

She drove into the ED car park and ran through the doors hoping to avoid Zoe. No Chance!

"Sam! Where have you been?" Sam winced as her forgotten headache came back. "That's the second time this week! What's your excuse this time? It'd better be more realistic than your last one!" Sam looked down in embarrassment – the two of them had attracted quite a lot of attention. She scowled at two nurses staring at her, who quickly ran off in fear.

"Have you at least done the paperwork I told you to do?" Oh crap! Sam rubbed her head in her hands. She'd left it half-finished on the kitchen table.

"In my office now!" Glaring at the group behind her she followed Zoe into her office who slumped down into the chair at her desk. Sam remained standing. Zoe, noticing Sam's unusual uneasiness, sighed and lightened her tone. "Look, I can't help you out if you don't tell me what's bothering you." Sam knew that this would have been the perfect time to reveal her secret son, but she remained silent. Confused, Zoe stood up and moved to the door – Sam was never one to back down in an argument, "Ok, I'll let you off, just because of what day it is," Sam gave her a puzzled look; what did she mean by that. Zoe laughed, "Don't worry, I won't tell anyone," she winked, "Just don't let it happen again, please! And I need that paperwork by tomorrow" and with that she ushered Sam out of her office and closed the door.

Confused, Sam walked along to the staff room to get changed into her scrubs. As she was putting her bag into her locker and getting out her stethoscope she felt someone creeping up behind her. Quickly she turned, but laughed when she saw Tom trying to sneak up behind her.

"How come I can never sneak up on you?" He looked at Sam in bemusement.

"Supernatural hearing, remember?" She laughed at his clueless face; he seemed to forget that she'd trained in the army for 9 months. "So what did you want me for anyway?" She asked him as she closed her locker.

"I came to give you this." He passed her a little box wrapped in gold paper.

"Um… What's this for?" Tom looked at her in disbelief as she eyed the small package.

"Well I'm not sure about where you're from, but where I live it's pretty normal to give gifts on people's birthdays." He looked down at her, expecting her to say something, "Oh my god!" He was laughing pretty loudly now, "Please don't tell me you forgot your own birthday!"

"I guess I did, Thanks for the present," She muttered walking past him trying to conceal her own shock, but he grabbed her hand.

"Hey Sam, are you ok?" He was suddenly serious

"Yeah, why?" She tried to leave the staffroom, worried her emotions were beginning to show.

"Because people don't tend to just forget their Birthdays! It's not normal!"

"Well I did ok? I'm sorry if that's not normal enough for you." She turned again to leave but Tom pulled her back.

"Look, I'm sorry but I think it's just a bit… weird." She gave him one of her famous 'shut up or I'll kill you' looks, making him chuckle "Didn't your parents give you a card or something?"

"Err, I'm not exactly on speaking terms with my family…"

"What?! Why didn't you tell me?"

"What's there to tell? They didn't agree with my life choices, I got tired of them bringing me down. Simple." Tom looked at her in pity which only made her angry. "Look I'm fine Tom. Thanks again, for the gift." And with that she rushed out of the staff room to find her first patient.

The morning past by in a blur and for once Sam was glad she was working in cubicles. Zoe had advised her to because of the meeting she had tomorrow. At first Sam had fought against it – it was her natural reaction, but she soon gave in (much to Zoe's surprise) and now she was glad she had. Her headache from the morning still hadn't gone away and it was affecting her work; she kept getting records and files mixed up between patients, and she was working a lot slower than usual. She was just about to give a patient some morphine when Tom pulled her aside.

"What is it Tom?" She asked getting impatient, but then he showed her the amount of morphine she was about to give the patient, it was nearly three times the maximum amount.

"Oh my god!" Sam was completely shocked; she'd never done anything as stupid as this as a doctor. Tom was concerned about how worried Sam looked.

"Sam, are you ok? You know it really doesn't matter, it didn't actually happen,"

"But it would've though, I mean, if you hadn't been there that patient could've died!"

"But I was there, and it didn't happen, did it? So why are you worrying?" He tried to calm her down.

"But-"

"Hey, enough with the 'buts'! Dr Nicholls never makes the same mistake twice." He put his hand on her shoulder and realised she was shaking, "Sam, what's wrong? Why have you been so stressed lately?" He looked into her eyes, which he'd noticed were slightly off colour and almost cloudy, but she looked away quickly – which was really un-Sam-like.

"It's nothing; just a meeting I've got tomorrow with an old patient."

"Well it's obviously not nothing – Dr Nicholls _also_ doesn't get fazed easily, go on; tell me." He picked up her hand which seemed to give her more confidence.

"Zoe thinks he might be making a complaint, that's all, like I said; its nothing." Tom let out a deep breath,

"What's he complaining about? Sam?"

"Let's just say I got a bit short-tempered with him… ok I got really angry, but he was being so rude and he was nearly drunk and he was so aggressive and I just- I guess I just can't deal with another GMC hearing right now, it was hard enough the first time and they'll obviously dig up another completely army-related but nothing to do with what's just happened event from the past to hold against me like last time, or something even worse, they might even make out I'm sort of violent-crazy freak and then they could take away-" Her eyes went all glossy as if they were completely out of focus.

"Take away what, Sam?" But she remained silent. Tom knew something wasn't right but knew that he'd get nothing more out of her now. "Hey, I'm sure it will fine. I'll finish up with this patient while you go take a breather, ok?" She gave him a quick smile before she got up to leave.

"Hey Sam?" Tom called just as she was leaving.

"Yes?"

"You know I'm here for you right, I mean, if you ever need to talk about anything…" She gave a small nod and walked out of the room. Something was definitely wrong.

**Please R&R**


	3. Chapter 3: Shock

**Thanks for the review xx**

Sam quickly closed her locker, did up her coat and rushed out of the staffroom. It had been an extremely long day and she just wanted to get home and forget about it all. She quickly checked the reception to see if anyone was there. Oh no… Right in the centre of the entrance was a large group of her friends, all of whom were being pushed into positions by Tom. Cursing under her breath she put her head down and tried to walk past them, but right as she was about to leave Noel shouted out.

"Hey look guys! She's over there!" Everyone rushed over and began shouting 'Happy Birthday'. Sam looked at Zoe in despair but she just laughed and pointed at Tom who had a wide grin on his face.

"You may have forgotten about your birthday but we certainly haven't!" Everyone cheered and began dragging her over to the pub. As they made their way across the road Sam tried to think of some way in which she could get out of it, but they were having none of it.

After about half an hour in the pub, everyone around her was beginning to get drunk, and soon she was no longer the centre of all the attention. She hadn't had anything to drink as she knew she had to pick up Ben, but nobody seemed to notice. That's what she thought anyway. She hadn't noticed a completely sober Tom keeping a careful eye on her from across the bar, as she continuously looked behind her and at her watch. He knew something wasn't quite right with her – she'd been off with everyone the past couple of months, but in the past few days she'd completely shut herself out from anyone. She'd put it down to stress, but he didn't know what was causing it all.

Sipping her orange juice slowly Sam waited for her chance to leave. Tom was the only one giving her any attention, but she knew that he must get pissed pretty soon; they'd been there for almost an hour. Looking at her watch she began to worry: 7:20, she was late for picking up Ben. She sat there waiting, but nothing seemed to change. Then suddenly he jumped up, and declared he needed the loo. 'That is just too typical Tom' she thought to herself with a smile.

She took the opportunity, and snuck out of the pub unnoticed. It was about 7:40 by the time she got to Julie's house.

"I am so sorry, there was an emergency at work and they needed me to stay!" She was pretty good when it came to lying,

"Don't worry, I know how it is," Julie looked unimpressed, but Sam couldn't have cared less.

"How was he? I hope he wasn't any trouble"

"Oh no, he's been a star, we've done some painting and drawing, and have had lots of fun. Haven't we boys!" The two of them nodded their heads eagerly, Ben looking her right in the eye. "He's very confident… isn't he…?" She looked at him wearily; his stare put her on edge. Sam noticed this and began to get a little annoyed.

"Come on Ben, it's getting late." She held out his hand which he happily took, and together they walked to the car.

"And here you go!" she passed him a small chocolate bar, "For you and Todd to share." He gave her a big grin and took the bar from her. She laughed as he broke off a piece for his teddy and pretended to feed it to him.

When they got home Sam parked the car and went to open the front door, only to find it wasn't locked. "Idiot" she thought to herself – she must have been in a real rush this morning. She pushed the door open with her foot (she was holding Ben in her arms as he had fallen asleep in the car.) and closed it carefully behind her. Gently she carried Ben up the stairs and laid him on her Bed – she knew he was more comfortable in that room. As she placed him on the bed he began to stir, but she hushed him quietly and stroked his hair until he calmed down again. She pulled off his shoes but decided to leave him in his clothes as she didn't want to disturb him too much. As she was tucking him in she noticed a slip of paper in his hands; she carefully took it out and flattened it out. It was a card that he'd obviously made earlier that day, on the front was what she made out to be a drawing of a doctor (whom she presumed to be herself) and next to her a little boy (who must have been Ben, inside were the words: _"To Mummy, Hapy Bithday, I love you lots and lots, love fom Ben,"_ with a couple of kisses next to his name. As she held the crinkled card in her hands she felt herself well up, but forced the tears back down – she knew that once she'd started she wouldn't be able to stop. She'd heard people say how crying helps let it all out, that it relieves the pain, but she'd held it in for so long that there was too much pain to let out, too much that she feared to let it out – without the pain, what would there be left of her? She turned to the draw on her bedside cabinet and put the card inside (she didn't want anyone to see it), trying to ignore the pile of terrifying letters that had been building up over the past month or so, she wanted to throw them away, but for some crazy reason didn't – maybe she thought that having them there stopped her from thinking it was all in her imagination. Not that that helped mind; knowing that it wasn't in her mind meant that it was real – a thought that sent violent shivers down her spine. She looked over at Ben. He looked so peaceful; she wanted it to stay that way. She knew at that moment she would do anything to protect her son.

She thought about getting into bed straight away, but then remembered the large pile of unfinished paperwork on the kitchen table downstairs. Sighing, she stood up and began to make her way downstairs, turning all of the lights on as she did so. The dark put her on edge; anything could hide in its shadows. She flicked the final switch in the kitchen, waiting for the room to light up. "That's strange," she thought to herself, "it was working fine this morning." She flicked it again, and again, and then again, until finally it sparked and let out a quiet pop. She jumped and gave a little squeal, but then groaned as she remembered that she'd run out of spare light bulbs. She began to make her way over to the pile of paper on the table when she heard a shuffling noise behind her. She shook her heard firmly – she was imagining things now. She quickly grabbed up the pile of files and made her way into the living room where there was a working light, as she turned the corner she saw a dark figure standing at the side of the room. She screamed. A loud, piercing scream that only comes out of a person in pure and utter terror.

"Sam! Sam! It's me Tom! I'm Tom!" But she hadn't stopped screaming. She'd scrunched up into a tight ball and her eyes were squeezed shut. "Sam! Calm down, it's only me. Open your eyes. Come on!" He tried to touch her arm but she lashed out and backed off right into the corner of the room. She still wouldn't stop screaming, and now she was beginning to shake uncontrollably. Tom was panicking – he really hadn't meant to scare her. He went over and crouched down next to her, trying to pull her hands away from her ears. He put his lips to her ear and said quietly, "Sam, it's me Tom, open your eyes." And suddenly she stopped and her eyes flew open, staring straight into Tom's. He could see relief etched into every point of her face, her whole body in fact. He could feel her shoulders shaking less under his hands and her breathing was becoming a lot more even. It worried him, her vulnerability – the Sam he knew would have knocked an intruder to the floor in seconds, not collapsed on the floor having a breakdown. Suddenly her eyes went glossy and lost focus, her body becoming slightly limp. Tom shook her in panic, willing her to meet his eye. She did, but the look she gave him was so painful and full of terror that Tom had to take a breath himself to stop him from taking his gaze off of hers. He'd seen her acting out of character for the past month or two, but seeing her in this state had completely taken him by surprise, he realised just how great at hiding her emotions she was. Slowly he slid himself next to her and gently hugged her to his chest, stroking the back of her hair with his big hand.

"What's happened to you Sam, what's making you like this?" He whispered to her, knowing he wouldn't get a response. But she did do one thing that surprised him. She began to cry – something Tom didn't even think possible. And it wasn't just a small sob, it was more of a wail, a cry so full of pain and fear and longing that Tom was himself in shock – he didn't think it was possible for one person to be able to show so much emotion, let alone Sam. She clenched handfuls of Tom's T-shirt as sobs wracked her body, and Tom held her tight as she struggled to take breathes through her tears. They sat like that for almost fifteen minutes when suddenly Sam stopped and clasped a hand over her mouth. Tom took a few steps back to give her space to breathe and looked at her right in the eye,

"Sam, you need to tell me what's going on! You need help Sam, but first you need to tell me why this is all happening." After a long and thoughtful pause she just looked down and shrugged. Tom sighed; he really thought he had got through to her. He stretched upwards and ran his fingers through his hair. "Sam!" he almost groaned. "Please Sam, tell me what's going on!" She mumbled something, but Tom couldn't hear, "Sam?"

"I can't" She whispered. Tom sighed and knelt down, practically begging her,

"Why can't you tell me Sam?" He asked her very gently; she looked up right into his eyes and said quietly,

"Because I need you Tom," he wasn't entirely sure what she had meant by that, but then a little voice from the doorway made them both freeze.

"Mummy?"


	4. Chapter 4: Lies

**Ok here's the next chapter, thank u for the reviews and follows, they've really made me want to write more xx**

The three of them looked at each other in a stunned silence for what felt like a very long time. Tom hadn't taken his eyes of Ben, he looked extremely shocked and uncertain. Sam was watching Tom's face, waiting for him to say something and put her out of her silent misery. And Ben just stood there looking between Sam and the mystery man, completely confused as to what was going on. When nobody said anything for a while Sam stood up, and quickly wiping her eyes she walked over and picked up Ben, hugging him to her. She stumbled over to the sofa and curled up in the corner with Ben on her lap. She closed her eyes as silent tears ran heavily down her cheeks.

"What's wrong mummy? Why are you crying?" He looked up at her, wiping some of her tears.

"I'm just very tired," she whispered, trying to reassure him with a smile.

"Is it my fault?" Sam opened her eyes wide in shock,

"No, no! Of course not Ben! Oh my God, no, it's never your fault, never…" she rocked him gently, resting her chin on his head.

Tom hadn't moved from where he'd been kneeling earlier; he didn't think he could. He watched as Sam held her son to her, showing so much care and love; more than he thought possible, especially from someone who had as thick an emotional wall as Sam. Every now and then she glanced over at him but he couldn't meet her eye – he hated himself for that. He could only imagine the pain and rollercoaster of feelings she was going through right now: worry, guilt, sorrow, pain and even fear. After about five minutes of her sitting there she slowly got up with a sleeping Ben in her arms and carried him out of the room. When she left Tom quickly jumped up and as an impulse quickly turned to the door but then stopped suddenly,

"What are you doing!?" He whispered to himself. He knew he couldn't leave her now; he'd heard the fear in her voice earlier when she'd told him she needed him – fear that he'd leave, as he presumed everyone else close to her had. No, he would never do that to her, she was too precious to him to lose.

Sam had just finished re-tucking Ben into her Bed when she turned to leave. Tom was standing in the doorway. She looked away quickly.

"Don't do that Sam,"

"Don't do what?"

"Look away – you've got nothing to be sorry for,"

"Don't I?" She gave him a sorrowful look,

"Everyone has their reasons, and knowing you it's probably a pretty good one," Sam looked like she was about to cry again, "Come here," He held his arms out and she fell into them, holding on to him tightly.

"Thanks,"

"For what?"

"For not leaving," Suddenly Tom felt really guilty for turning straight to the door earlier on but Sam hadn't finished, "I know you probably thought about it – it's the only sane thing to do, but the fact that you stayed, well, it means a lot to me." Tom smiled giving her a squeeze and under his breath he whispered quietly (so she couldn't hear him,)

"I need you as well you know," Then he took her hand leading her to the sofa in the room, speaking louder so she could actually hear, "Now then, are you going to tell me what the hell is going on or am I going to have to force it from you?" He gave her a big grin which made her smile, "thank god!" he thought to himself.

Sam looked over at Ben who lay breathing softly, she felt so much love for him, and longed to keep him safe – a prospect that got harder to maintain as each day passed. Then she turned to Tom, her only true friend, giving her a chance, a lifeline. But then she looked back at Ben and felt that she couldn't put him at any risk. She'd coped on her own so far; she just hoped she could carry on. She'd made her decision.

She'd rehearsed this speech so many times in her head; she often dreamed of telling someone, of asking for help, but she, major Sam Nicholls, had never had the courage, and now she no longer knew what to say, "Okay, well… I have a son…"

"I can see that, are you going to explain?..." He urged her on, taking her hand once more. "It's okay, you can tell me," She looked down avoiding his eyes so he wouldn't notice her lies,

"It's not a long story; a close friend of mine, she died at child birth. The father, another friend of mine, killed himself days later and left a note, saying that he wanted me to look after the baby, I couldn't say no could I Tom?"

"Wait, so he's not actually your son? But he looks so much like you!"

"He doesn't really…" She bit her lip nervously, "and why does that even matter!? Are you saying he's not mine," She stood up defensively.

"No, no! Of course not! I'm adopted too, of course he's your son!"

"Oh my God! You never said!"

"Never had the chance," Sam tried to argue, but Tom interrupted her, "and you can hardly talk about not sharing things," they both looked over at the bed where Ben lay sleeping. "Why didn't you tell anyone?"

"I didn't want anyone changing their opinions of me."

"No one would have."

"Yes they would," She turned to face him, "They probably wouldn't say anything to my face, but behind my back they would talk about me; make up stories about my 'mystery son'. They would want to know everything about him, about me – people that never even cared about me before would suddenly take an interest." Tom was silent, he knew she was right, "Oh, and I can't stand it when I'm pitied," They chuckled together at this, but Tom could see the hollowness of her laugh. They sat there for about half an hour, saying nothing. Then Tom noticed the time; 1:26. They both had to be at work at 8:00 the next morning. Tom had so much he wanted to ask Sam: Did Dylan know; Why did she still work full hours; how had she coped so long on her own. He wanted to find out so much about Ben: his favourite colours, foods, hobbies. The more he thought about the situation, the more he wanted to know. His shock was gradually turning into excitement, but he could see she was exhausted; the questions would have to wait.

"I should really get going," Sam jumped up,

"Uh, yes, of course, "She turned to lead him out of the room,

"Sam, I can show myself out, you get to bed, get some sleep." He pulled her into an awkward quick hug and walked out. Sam was left standing there, feeling empty. She felt so guilty. She'd lied to Tom, the ONE person who'd offered her help, who gave her a second chance and didn't just walk out of her life when it got complicated. She let a single tear slide down her cheek, and then told herself to get a grip; she'd cried too much already in one night. Without changing, she crept into bed, trying not to wake Ben, and waited for sleep to come, knowing that it never would.

**Sorry if its a bit confusing, all will become clear in the next few chapters :) **


	5. Chapter 5: Pizza and Lego

**Thanks once more for the reviews, I'll try to update again really soon x**

The next morning, after about one hour of sleep, Sam dragged herself out of bed and forced herself to get ready for what she thought was going to be a very long day. She quickly finished off her paperwork from the day before and sorted through her notes for her meeting. She dropped Ben off at the breakfast club at school and then drove to work. The morning passed in a kind of blur; Zoe had asked her yet again to keep a low profile and stick to cubicles, which she was secretly relieved about. She'd managed to avoid Tom all day; no matter how good it felt to have her secret out, she couldn't face another awkward conversation with him. When it came to the meeting she let Zoe and Charlie do most of the talking, only speaking when necessary, which for once worked in her favour, and the man decided not to place a complaint. Zoe let her have the rest of the afternoon off (she had noticed how tired the young doctor had been beginning to look recently) and told her to get some sleep.

When she got home she went to have a nap in her room. An annoying on-going noise woke her up, at first she thought it would stop, but after about five minutes she finally sat up. Her phone was vibrating next to her, she looked at the screen – four missed calls from the school. Oh crap, she thought to herself. She clicked the 'answer' button and put the phone to her ear.

"Hello?"

"Hi there, this is Ben's school," a chirpy receptionist was at the end of the phone, "I've been trying to contact you for the past half hour… we tried your backup phone number…"

"Oh yeah," Sam tried to stifle a yawn, "that's my neighbour - she's on holiday,"

"Oh OK, well then we tried your work and they said you'd gone home…"

"Ok, well you've got me now so what do you want," She sounded ruder than she'd intended – she's not a good person to talk to right after she's woken up.

"Oh, uh well… its half past four, Ben's school finished at 3:30. We were wondering why nobody had come to pick him up yet…" Sam looked at the clock,

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry! Our neighbour normally picks him up, I forgot to set an alarm, can I come and pick him up now?" She bit her lip nervously, feeling awful.

"Yes, but please don't let it happen again," Sam switch off her phone with a sigh, and went to go and pick up Ben. But as she put on her coat she felt something in her pocket, she pulled it out and realised it was the little gift box Tom had given her the day before for her birthday. She quickly peeled off the wrapping to reveal a little box containing a silver necklace in the shape of an S. On the back of the box was a little message saying, _'to a great friend :)'_ Sam laughed as the smiley face at the end was such a typical Tom thing to do. She quickly put on the necklace and rushed out the door, unaware of the smile building on her face.

After a lot of apologies and the signing of a couple of forms (which despite feeling guilty Sam thought was a bit extreme) she managed to get home. She flung her keys on the side and kicked off her boots before crashing out on the sofa.

"Ok then Ben, what do you want to do, we can do anything you want," Smiling, she added, "You can even choose what to have for dinner,"

"hmmm… can we have… pizza?" She laughed as he gave her a hopeful look.

"Of course! I've got some frozen vegetable ones in the freezer but I've got the feeling that you're going to want a big pepperoni takeaway, am I right?" The look on his face said it all, and she went over to order the pizza, which turned into pizzaS after a bit of persuading from Ben's part, despite Sam saying that he wouldn't finish it all.

"Just in case" was his reasoning. They spent the next half an hour making a Lego racecourse and laughing about, when the doorbell rang.

"Pizza!" Ben jumped up and ran out into the hallway before Sam had the chance to object. She heard Ben talking at the door so she picked up her wallet. But when she turned the corner she was shocked to find Tom standing there, trying to persuade Ben to let him in.

"Tom!" He looked up and gave her one of his grins,

"It doesn't look like little Ben here wants to let me in," Sam stood there for a second bewildered, but then realised that Ben was getting a bit stressed out – unsure of what to do.

"Come here Ben, this is Tom, he's a friend," Ben gave a little wave making Sam smile to herself, "and Tom, this is Ben," she took a deep breath, "my son," Tom bent down so he was level with Ben and shook his hand,

"Well Ben, I am very pleased to finally meet you," Ben quickly ran off being shy and Sam invited Tom in,

"We have pizza arriving soon, you can have some if you like," He thanked her and they both walked into the living room.

"You're wearing the necklace," Sam looked down at her neck and remembered Tom's gift,

"Oh, yeah, thank you. You really didn't have to get me anything,"

"Zoe helped me choose - I cant take all of the credit... it looks nice om you," They both went slightly pink and looked away; neither really knew what to do in that sort of situation. Luckily Ben saved them and persuaded them to play with him.

After a while the awkwardness between them lessened and the situation began to feel more normal. It was almost as if Tom had known about Ben for a long time, and the crazy event yesterday when Tom had scared Sam hadn't happened. He was still confused about that: yes she was stressed and he'd snuck up on her, but she'd had a full on panic attack, and that was completely out of character. It was funny, despite all of these surprises; Tom still felt like he knew Sam better than anyone.

"Can I ask you something?" Tom looked at Sam,

"You just did," He laughed, but then turned serious.

"How did Dylan react? I'm curious," Sam looked away in shame, "What!? You mean you didn't tell your own husband!"

"We were no longer together when I got Ben so he wasn't exactly my husband, and I'd hurt him enough already,"

"Sam!" Tom was exasperated, "So you haven't told anyone! No one at all"

"No, and I've coped; I can do it on my own-"

"I'm not questioning that Sam, if anyone can raise a child singlehandedly whilst working full time as a doctor, it's you," The doorbell rang and Tom said he'd go get it. It was the pizzas which he insisted on paying for. After dinner when Sam had finished wiping the kitchen table, she went and stood in the doorway to the living room where Tom and Ben were playing. She smiled sadly and watched as Tom made Ben laugh; he was the happiest he'd been in a long time. She thought about how Ben had no father, or one that he knew of; and she felt that it was her fault. She spoke up,

"He likes you Tom,"

"Really? Do you think so?" She nodded and he looked pleased with himself, after a pause Sam spoke up again,

"Am I a bad mum?" Toms head span around,

"What!? Why would you say that? I saw you playing with him earlier, it didn't look like either of you could be happier," Sam went and sat on the sofa

"Yes but, in the bigger picture, have I done the right thing?" He gave her a confused look, "What I mean is… well… it's hard to explain, but when I freak out, or someone does something that I don't like or agree with, I block them out, I sort of build a kind of mental wall. But more and more I feel like I need to build these walls, and with each wall comes more pain and loneliness for me... And it came to the point where I decided to block everyone out, so that nobody had the chance to make me build a wall. Have I still got you?" Tom nodded, "Well, in doing so, I feel like I'm also pushing everyone away from Ben. I mean look at him, I'm the only person he's got. Four year olds are meant to be just starting to get to terms with life and friendship and family, but because of me he doesn't have that. He has no siblings; he's never met his own grandparents because I'm too _proud_ to talk to them, he doesn't even have a Dad; he doesn't know any of my friends, you're the first person that I know well he's ever even seen! And I know for a fact that he's not getting on well at school, and I think that's because of me; I'm a bad role model to him."

At first Tom didn't know what to say, he was slightly taken aback by her outburst; it was unheard of for Sam to talk about anything personal. She looked at him and he realised that she was about to cry, he went over and sat next to her on the sofa, giving her a hug,

"Sam, don't say that. In my mind you're one of the best role models I've ever met, _I_ certainly look up to you, and I'm sure others at work do as well. You're a strong, independent woman; you stand your ground and always stick to what you believe to be right. Yes, you can be infuriating and yes, half the time nobody has a clue what you're going to do next; you're unpredictable, but that's good – predictable is boring, and you are far from boring."

"But at least predictable is reliable, and _reliable_ is the only way he's gonna stay safe… Do you really think of me like that?" Tom's face went red (he wasn't one for talking about personal stuff either), but before he could say anything else they heard the letter box open and clatter shut. With a sigh Sam got up to go and get the post.

When she left he went back over to where Ben was still playing with the Lego, he asked him what he was building,

"I'm building a new house for me and Mummy,"

"Oh, why are you building a new house, do you not like it here?"

"No, I like it here…sometimes, but when the letters come Mummy gets upset and starts crying and I don't know what to do." Tom was shocked, not only by what Ben had been saying, but also in the manner in which he had said it, as if it happened frequently and was normal.

"What letters Ben?" Now he looked up from his toys,

"I'm not sure, I think she's scared of them, but I don't know why," He turned to go back to his Lego, but Tom could see he was hiding his sadness; he was so like Sam. Then he realised she herself had been gone for quite a while.

"Why don't you go and start getting ready for bed, I'm just going to see where your Mum is, okay?" Ben nodded and began to make his way up the stairs. After making sure he had gone he walked into the kitchen to find Sam leaning over the counter, looking extremely tense,

"Sam? Sam what is it? What's happened?" He walked over to her making her face him but she looked away, he noticed that her hands were shaking,

"Nothing, it nothing," She turned to leave the room, "I'm just going to check on Ben," And with that she rushed up the stairs leaving Tom in the kitchen. He stood there for a few seconds, wondering what had made her act so strangely, then he noticed something sticking out of the bin – as if it had been put there in a rush. He walked over and pulled it out: it was a scrunched up piece of paper, on it was a hand written message. He laid it out on the table, flattening out the creases.

His eyes widened in horror.

**Please R&R xx**


	6. Chapter 6: Truth and tears

**Thanks for the reviews xx here's chapter 6, I hope u like it :) - i hope its made everything a bit clearer as well xx **

Tom stared at the paper in disbelief, rereading it again and again:

_Sam_

_I thought I'd made it __very__ clear not to tell anyone. You're pathetic, a coward. I bloody hope you haven't been drastic and gone to the police – you know what I'll do if you decide to, and you of all people should know that I carry out my threats... You've made me angry Sam. So while you go back to your 'little happy family' and your childish Lego games, don't think that you're safe, you're not. You deserve all that I'm going to give you. _

Tom put his hand over the letter taking a deep breath. He hardly understood it himself, but he couldn't understand why anyone would ever send Sam anything like it. Another wave of dread spread through him as he realised that there was no stamp on the letter – it had been posted by hand. He went pale and rocked backwards; somebody had been watching them all evening, for all he knew, they could still be outside right now. It suddenly dawned on him how scared Sam must be right now, no matter how hard she tried to hide it.

He quickly walked out into the hallway and ran up the stairs two steps at a time. The flat was pretty quiet and he'd only been in it once before so for a while he struggled to find his bearings. He checked all of the rooms unsure to which one she'd be in. When he came into a bedroom which he presumed to be Sam's he noticed that the drawer on her bedside table was open. Confused he went round to close it. It was empty. 'Strange', he thought to himself, why would she bother opening it if there was nothing inside? He felt around underneath the bed and found a stack of paper. He pulled them out. It was a pile of letters, each with the same stamp on them and in the same handwriting as the letter downstairs. He flicked through them in horror. They were full of insults and threats; that someone was coming for her; that she was going to pay for something she'd done; lists of things he would do to her if she told anyone about Ben. He winced at some of the biting remarks and began to feel sick. No wonder she'd been so withdrawn from everyone in past three months or so; there were loads of letters – she must have been getting them for nearly half a year. Knowing Sam, she would have ignored them at first, but seeing them in front of him made Tom realise just how much she would have been affected by them – he was surprised at how well she'd managed to hide it on her own until now, but looking at what this man would have done to her if she had told someone, he could understand why she'd done it.

His train of thought was interrupted by a loud smash. He ran down the stairs to find Sam crouched in the corner, her arm poised to throw another glass at the wall in front of her.

"Stop!" Tom shouted before she threw the glass at him, "Sam," he spoke to her gently, "put the glass down," after a pause she slowly lowered her shaking hand, he could see her bottom lip tremble and her eyes glossed over at the threat of tears. He could see fear etched into all her features, but could also see her pain at not being able to hide it from him.

"Sam, who are these letters from?" She froze, "Do you know him? Has he done something to you?" She let out an almost inaudible yelp. He couldn't help but feel so much pity towards her; she seemed so scared, so helpless. But he knew that she would hate him for it so he hid it as best as he could.

Without saying anything he held out his hand and after a few minutes she took it, and he carefully guided her to the living room and sat her down on the sofa. After closing all of the curtains and double checking that the door was double locked from the inside, he went and sat down next to her.

"Please don't hate me Tom," Sam whispered,

"Why would I hate you?" He took her hand again.

"For getting you involved in all my crap," She looked down ashamed, but Tom lifted her chin with his hand,

"Don't say that Sam, I was the one that came here yesterday, it was _my_ choice; it's not your fault."

"Oh but it is," she looked at him sadly, "it was my fault this even happened!"

"Please tell me, you can trust me,"

And Sam looked at him, properly; right in the eye. And she realised that maybe she could tell Tom, maybe it would help her, because she did trust him, she'd just only realised it now. It may have been the fact that she just couldn't cope on her own anymore; maybe the dark secret she'd kept to herself for four years had been bubbling inside her for too long. Or maybe it was guilt; guilt for lying to him the day before when he'd shown her so much kindness. But Sam knew the main reason. She had seen how kind Tom had been to Ben earlier that evening, and despite only finding out that he existed yesterday, he held no resentment for him at all; he had accepted him, and in doing so had accepted her. She took a deep shaky breath.

"What I said yesterday... about Ben being my friend's child, it wasn't true,"

"What do you mean?"

"I made it up because I was scared you would hate me if you found out the truth," Tom looked at her, waiting for her to continue, "It was when I was in Afghanistan. There was a colonel… he was called F-Frank Miller," she took another breath to calm herself down. "He was p-popular with everyone, one of Iain's best friends, I never liked him – he always seemed on edge, but everyone else did. I was friends with his wife though, she was a nice person; kind. She was due to be having his baby in the next couple of months. But one day I saw him cheating on her, and he caught me. I tried to run but he grabbed me and told me that if I told anyone, h-he would make me wish I had never been born." Sam shut her eyes hard and furrowed her brow like she was really concentrating, "I tried, I _really_ tried not to tell her; more for my own sake than for hers, but I felt _so_ selfish and guilty that, after noticing that Frank was still cheating, I told her. She left the next day and as far as I know she never came back. Anyway, on the night that she left he came and found me. I'd hoped that it was all words; that he wasn't going to hurt me like he said he would. I was an idiot to think that." Sam's voice sped up in a panic, "He yelled at me, punched me and kicked me till I couldn't feel anything apart from pain. He told me I'd ruined his life and that he was going to enjoy ruining mine, at first I didn't realise what he meant." Tears were beginning to pour down her face as she tried to speak, "He pushed me up against the wall. He was really close; too close. Then I saw in his eyes what he was going to do. I tried to fight him but I just couldn't get him off me. I didnt know what to do so I kept telling him to stop, but he wouldn't stop…" Her shout turned into a cry as Tom pulled her into his arms and she sobbed on his shoulders. An action that reminded him of the night before when Sam had broken down in front of him, accept this was much worse.

Amongst her sobs Sam whispered, "It hurt so much," A sentence so short but so full of pain that it broke Tom's heart. He brought his hand to his face to wipe away tears that he didn't know were there. Tom desperately wanted to say something to comfort her, to tell her that of course it wasn't her fault, and of course he didnt hate her, but he couldn't find his voice. They sat there for five minutes, both comforted in the other's arms, not wanting to say something to break their one moment of peace.

Gradually their sobs lessened and the moment had gone, but with it went a weight that Sam hadn't noticed was holding her down until it had been lifted. For a moment she felt exposed, as if someone would be able to look at her and be able to tell exactly what she was feeling. She felt vulnerable. But then she remembered that she was in Tom's arms and felt suddenly safe, more so than she had in four years. It made her think about just how close a friend Tom really was.

There were certain things about her past that she knew she wouldn't tell anyone; the fact that after it had happened she just lay there in a pool of her own blood for hours wishing she could have died there and then; the fact that when she told people, nobody had believed her (or wanted to believe her), not even her own parents; the guilt she felt when she had to have a baby growing inside her that she didn't even want, but didn't have the heart to give up even after the pain of giving birth on her own; the way she felt so disgusted with herself for letting Frank have exactly what he wanted – for her to wish she had never been born, because that's exactly what she did. For two years she lived with the single feeling of regret and of what could have been; For two years the only thing that kept her going was her little boy that depended on her in every way possible, whom she loved more than she ever thought possible, but who reminded her of pain every time she set her eyes upon him. Two years of utter misery was how long it took for her to build her life back up from that one night. And then just as she was beginning to accept what had happened, her life was once again full of fear at the arrival of the letters and with it, the knowledge that he knew where she was. And now the knowledge that he was here. She shivered.

"Please stay," Sam whispered clutching hold of Tom like her life depended on it, because that's what it felt like. Tom squeezed her back.

"I would never leave you now,"

**Please leave a comment if you have time :) Thank you so much for reading and I'll try to update as soon as I can xx Sophie x**


	7. Chapter 7: Glass

**I am really sorry I haven't updated in a while. I was planning to do it earlier in the week but a load of stuff turned up so I didn't have the chance. I will try and update sooner to make up for it, once again really sorry and I hope you enjoy this chapter x**

The sound of quiet sobbing woke Tom up from his light sleep. Looking around disorientated he tried to figure out where he was. With a shudder he remembered the conversation he'd had last night and he looked across the room to see Sam sleeping silently on the other sofa. His pity returned despite his hardest efforts for it not to, and once more he wondered how anyone could ever do such a thing to anyone. With a sigh of defeat, he stretched out his unbelievably stiff legs and hobbled over to the kitchen where the soft cries were coming from.

"Hello?" He walked in slowly, and found Ben curled up on the floor, he was about to ask what the matter was when he noticed the remains of the glass Sam had smashed the night before scattered around the small child. "Ben!" He looked up, Tom bit his lip at the look of pain on the little boy's face.

"Tom? Hurts," Tom crouched down next to him and saw a huge shard of glass sticking out of Ben's foot; he inhaled sharply as he saw the amount of blood pumping out of the wound.

"Hang on, stay right there. Don't move, ok?" Ben nodded and Tom ran over to the door and grabbed a tea towel off of the rack and slipped on his shoes, then quickly scanned the kitchen cupboards and found some anti-latex gloves that Sam kept for cleaning. After putting on the gloves he held the towel tightly around the glass, trying to be as gentle as he could. "Ok, do you think you can hold this here for me Ben? That's really good, well done; you're being really brave,"

He carefully picked up Ben, trying to avoid him making any other contact with the rest of the glass. He carried him into the living room and sat him down on the sofa, wrapping a blanket around him and once more pressing firmly against the bad cut.

"I want Mummy," Ben said quietly and began sobbing softly against Tom's shoulder as he gave the child a small hug of reassurance.

"Of course, I'll go get her for you, can you stay there for me, try not to touch your foot," Ben gave a small nod and Tom looked over at where Sam was sleeping. She was beginning to toss and turn a bit; jumping every now then. Tom rushed over and shook her lightly on the shoulder. When at first she didn't react he tried shaking her again and she sat bolt upright trembling.

"I… Err… W-where am I? Tom? What are you doing here?" Her cheeks began to flush as she remembered the conversation from the previous night. She quickly brushed away a loose strand of hair from her face, being unusually self-conscious about how she looked.

"Sam, it's Ben," Her eyes widened in shock.

"What's happened?!" Then she spotted him sitting on the other sofa and rushed over before Tom had a chance to explain. She ran over and sat him on her lap, carefully examining the wound. "Oh my god! When did this happen?" She looked up at Tom exasperated.

"I found him about three minutes ago. He stood on the glass in the kitchen. He may have slipped and banged his head but I couldn't see any cuts or bruising." Sam was hardly listening, just rocking Ben back and forth. "Sam?"

"Yeah"

"You do realise you're going to have to take him to hospital to get that glass removed." Tom would have got the same reaction if he had placed a live tiger in front of her; she instantly shrank back into the chair and clutched onto Ben. "Come on Sam! You were going to have to leave the house at some point anyway…"

"But what if h-he's still outside?" She spoke, her voice filled with fear and worry,

"If he was going to attack you he would have already done it; these windows aren't exactly bulletproof" She glared at him, "Sorry, I didn't mean it literally." There was a pause and then they both turned to Ben; he hadn't made a noise in a while which was strange due to the fact that he had a two inch piece of glass hanging out of his foot.

"Sam he's pale; he's lost a lot of blood; he could have a head injury – we really need to get him to hospital now." She gave a small but abrupt nod, no matter how much she didn't want to leave the safety of her house; she knew she had no choice.

"Ok, can you drive?"

"Are you sure? I mean we should call an ambulance-"

"No, there's a narrow short cut that'll be quicker, the ambulance cant fit through there"

"Ok, you ready?" Sam let out a breath and nodded, walking over to the front door. Taking extreme care to double lock the door they rushed over to Tom's car. Sam sat in the passenger seat with Ben wrapped in a blanket on her lap. She was fidgeting and constantly looking behind her, she was clearly terrified and it distressed Tom greatly to see her like this; so unlike her usual fearless self. He sped up.

Ben looked up at Sam, "Where we going mummy? I'm tired" Sam hugged him closer.

"We're going to the doctors which is a special place that stops you being poorly,"

"Is it like when you make people better?"

"Yes sweetheart, its exactly like that" She looked down at the tea towel wrapped around his foot which was now soaked in blood, she whispered over to Tom, "He's bleeding loads, what if its hit a major artery?" Tom didn't know how to answer that, so he said the first thing that came to mind,

"Phone Zoe, so she knows you're coming in." Sam nodded and grabbed her phone. She prayed for Zoe to be at work – otherwise she'd have to phone the reception and she didn't think she could face trying to explain the situation to either Noel or Louise. Luckily, Zoe answered the phone after four rings.

"Zoe! It's Sam, I'm on my way to the ED."

_"Err... Sam? I didn't think you were coming in today... but have you seen Tom, he was supposed to be in an hour-"_

"It's not that, I'll explain later, there's b-been an accident. I'm coming to the hospital, I-I have a patient with me in the car, I don't know how serious, I can't think, I-"

_"Sam! Slow down! Take a breathe and explain clearly what's happening,"_

Tom glanced worriedly over at Sam who was struggling to stop herself from having a break down. He wished he could have just taken the phone off her and spoken to Zoe himself, to take her out of this nightmare situation. But of course he couldn't – life's not that fair.

"Ok, err… um, four year old m-male, has a deep l-laceration to the left foot, he's um… lost a lot of blood and is losing consciousness…"

_"Ok, Sam stay calm, just try and get him to stay awake."_

"Ok," Sam just managed to whisper. She felt completely vulnerable; all of her skills as a doctor had completely vanished as she stared helplessly at her son lying limp in her arms.

"Ben, Ben can you hear me? Stay awake for me honey"

"Want to sleep though mummy,"

"You can sleep later, I promise"

"But it hurts so much," Sam bit her lip to stop herself from crying out and upsetting Ben even more. She rocked him gently as he began to sob again.

_"Is there anyone else there with you?"_

"Yes, Tom's driving," She glanced over at him as he turned onto the main road leading to the hospital. "We're nearly there,"

_"Ok, I'll see you in a minute,"_

Tom pulled into the ED and parked right next to the front entrance. He jumped out and ran around to Sam's side where she seemed to have lost control of all limb movement. Carefully he took Ben from her and rushed inside.

"Okay Tom, straight through to rhesus," Zoe spoke as he walked in, "Where's Sam? What happened?!"

"She's in the car, I think she's in shock,"

"Ok, well what have we got?"

"This is Ben Nicholls," Zoe's eyes widened in a mixture of shock and disbelief as Tom continued, "he's age four, he stepped on a piece of glass, its gone right through the left foot, possible head injury and I'm not sure how much blood he's dropped" Zoe, when she eventually found her voice, pushed open the door and began instructing Tom and the other nurses,

"Ok, let's give him two units of O-neg and cross match for a further 4 units…" Their voices trailed off as the door softly bumped shut behind them.

Sam stood in the doorway watching as her son was carried away. She desperately wanted to follow but her legs betrayed her. She put her hand out and leant against the door frame, a weak attempt to stop herself from falling.

"Sam?" Fletch rushed over, "What are you doing here, are you ok?" She slowly shook her head and to her horror felt hot tears begin to pour down her cheeks. Fletch was completely taken aback; he had no idea what was going on. "I think you need to sit down, do you want to come to the staff room?" She shook her head again,

"No, I need to go in there," She whispered and pointed at the doors to rhesus, and, pushing herself away from the support of the wall and Fletch, she walked into rhesus. She was shocked at how a room so familiar to her could look so unrecognizable through different eyes. She stood in the background watching Zoe do exactly what she herself did on a daily basis, only now realising the extent of the fear that must go through relatives' minds.

"… Tom, could you set up an arterial line, and can someone book an emergency CT scan."

"I'm on it!" Fletch, who had followed Sam into the room ran over to the phone, Tom kept looking over at her, his expression growing in worry each time he did so,

She could hear Ben calling out for her, he was screaming in agony. She felt pathetic and useless standing there doing nothing at all.

"Sam, you shouldn't be in here." Zoe called over without looking up from what she was doing.

There was so much going on. Everyone was rushing round frantically; doing different things, helping in different places. With so much happening it felt like it was a situation of organised chaos. Sam felt her feet begin to tingle, a sensation that began to spread up her body, right up to her neck and head, warping her vision and distorting the sounds around her. The voices fading but rising in panic, her vision clouded and turned dark. She felt someone near her, too close; they were too close! She tried desperately to escape, to call out, but she felt something covering her mouth and blocking off her voice. Her mind spiralled as she lost control of her senses, and all she could do was panic as she began to submerge into a beckoning darkness; enveloping her into a blissful silence.

**I hope you enjoyed it, if you have time please leave a comment and I will update as soon as I can x**

**Sophie**


	8. Chapter 8: Waking

**Yet again I find myself apologizing for not updating sooner... sorry x. I did try but I have so much work and stuff going on at the moment that it was near to impossible, it's here now though and i think the next chapter will be easier to write :) please leave a comment if you have time xx**

A couple of blinks and a moment of utter confusion was all it took for Sam to realise she was in the staff room of the ED, and then a few seconds of deep concentration to remember why. She remembered feeling trapped, enclosed, and then darkness. A weak tap on the door made her whip her head around to discover Zoe already standing in the room, making her action of knocking on the door completely pointless,

"Come in," The young doctor said with a hint of sarcasm, Zoe, oblivious to Sam's annoyance walked over. The grave look on her face jolted Sam's memory and filled her with a thick sense of dread, she tried to speak but her lips failed her, all words were stolen from her mouth. Zoe sensed this and spoke up,

"We think Ben's going to be okay," She could visibly see Sam's body collapsing in on itself at the words. "He'll need to stay in for a couple of days; just for us to double check everything is okay, and then he won't be able to walk properly for a bit, but of course you know all that…" Thankful for Zoe's kindness in not being condescending, she gave a small nod and looked down at her hands. Watching her now, Zoe seemed to notice how tired Sam looked, _really _notice. There were the obvious signs that you can see at a quick glance; her skin was paler and the bags under her eyes were far more prominent than usual due to the lack of concealer she was wearing (She must have been wearing a lot recently). But what really shocked Zoe was how her whole frame seemed to droop with defeat, and how, even with the good news on her son, each movement she made seemed to scream out pain, loss and longing for hope; hope that she didn't have.

Zoe tentatively sat down next to Sam and thought about putting an arm around her shoulder but decided against it – neither of them were great in awkward situations.

"You know you gave us all a massive fright earlier on when you collapsed," She looked up at Zoe,

"Yeah, sorry about that"

"Don't say sorry! You need to stop apologising for things that aren't even your fault." She nodded but Zoe could tell that she wasn't going to take her advice any time soon, "Seriously Sam, this is really out of character; you not standing up for yourself, normally you would have ripped my head off by now, what's happening to you?"

For a moment Sam thought about telling her just like she'd told Tom before, but couldn't bring herself to say the words. She just shrugged. Zoe sighed,

"I've run a couple of tests to be on the safe side but nothing came up so I think you just collapsed as a result of the shock. Tom didn't think you'd want anyone to be in a cubicle where anyone could see you so we put you in here." She noticed Sam's slight embarrassment by the pinkness of her cheeks, but couldn't understand why, "Well… that and the fact that there are no cubicle beds free because it's such a busy day." She was thankful when saw the corners of Sam's mouth flicker into the shadow of a smile,

"Where is Tom?"

"He thought you would want him to stay with Ben," She nodded,

"Can I go see them?" She stood up, but too quickly so she sat down again to try and cover up her unsteadiness. Zoe noticed, but knew better than to say anything,

"Are you sure you don't want to rest for a bit, they'll be fine–"

"Yes," Zoe sighed as Sam stood up again, slower this time,

"Wait a second Sam," She put her hand on the young doctor's arm to stop her leaving, "Why didn't you tell me? I mean, I could've helped you; given you time off; I wouldn't have been so hard on you for being late! I am here for you, you know," Sam could hear the genuine concern in her colleague's voice, but she could also sense the feeling of hurt that she was trying to cover up, which made Sam feel instantly guilty. After a long pause Sam finally spoke,

"I guess I just didn't want you to treat me any differently. I know we didn't get on when I first came to Holby, but since then I feel as though I've come quite close to you, and I didn't want to mess that up." After a silence between the two of them she spoke up once more, "Look, I'm really sorry; you deserve a proper explanation but that's all I can give you." She sat back down on the sofa, "Actually wait, no, that's a lie, I can give you a proper explanation," She took a deep breath," That's not why I didn't tell you or anyone else, I've been fooling myself using that as an excuse. Truthfully I'm ashamed. Not of Ben – I could never be ashamed of him; I'm ashamed of myself. For the four years I've had him I have felt like a failure: I haven't been able to give Ben the full life he deserves; I keep lying to myself to cover for things I've done; and most of the time I have no idea what I'm even supposed doing." Her voice was raising, "Everyone _always_ says there's no instruction manual for raising kids and that you have learn on your own, well I can't! People say it gets easier but for me it hasn't! I love Ben more than I ever thought possible, and yet still I've managed to fail him and at being a good mum; I'm really not good enough for him. Every now and then I just think about how better off he'd be with some other family; people that actually knew what they were doing, but I could never let him go and that just makes me a selfish person" Her voice trailed off at the end and she dropped her head in her hands. Zoe turned to face her and took hold of her hands,

"No Sam, don't say that!"

"But it's true! He nearly died today because of me! I threw a glass at a wall and didn't even think to pick it up despite the fact that I live with a four year old!"

"Sam! You can't judge yourself on one situation, I don't know the full story, but I do know that you would never dream of hurting Ben in any way, I can _see _your pain at him hurting; that is something that sadly you don't see in every mother that comes into this hospital. I know you've made mistakes and have done things that you regret, I have; everyone has! But you really need to let that go, because your son needs you,"

"But how can I face him when it's my entire fault he's here?!"

"But it's not, that's the thing; you keep taking the blame for things you haven't even done, and you keep beating yourself up about it. It needs to stop!" Sam nodded and wiped away a few of the tears that continued to humiliate her, Zoe softened her voice, "You ready?"

"I don't know," Sam sighed, shaking her head,

"Sam…" Zoe didn't know what to say, she was worried she'd made the whole situation worse,

"I just need a moment to think, that's all,"

"Oh okay, do you want me to leave or?–"

"No its fine," She stood up and walked to the door but just before she walked through it she stopped and swivelled around, "Thanks, Zoe…" She gave a small smile and left before either had the chance to say anything more.

**Hope you enjoyed it, more Tom soon aswell :) x**


	9. Chapter 9: watching

**Here is the next chapter, thank you so much for all the lovely reviews x**

Sam set out for the toilets; the first private place she could think of. But instead she found herself arriving outside the post-op room, looking through the door where she could see Ben sleeping with Tom by his side. She felt a pull at her heart, she hated seeing him in pain, but she couldn't bring herself to go inside, so she stood by the door, watching from a distance. She saw the gentle rise and fall of his chest as he lay there, every now and then Tom leaning over to see if he was awake. _She_ should be the one that's sitting next to him, so why couldn't she just enter the room? Sighing she looked down at the handle, willing for it to open the door, but then she stopped, fearing that it actually would. Her mind was aching; for the first time in four years she felt as though she wasn't alone; as though she had somebody to catch her when she fell backwards. She let one lonely tear escape her eye and felt it slide down her cheek; one more trouble set free.

Five, maybe even ten minutes later Tom looked up and noticed Sam, which was both a relief and a cause of panic for her. With a shaking hand and a deep breath she pushed down on the door handle and stepped into the room. The faint hum of the monitors put Sam on edge despite the fact that she dealt with them on a daily basis; it made everything feel so real. She walked over and held on tightly to Ben's little hand, giving it a short squeeze but not letting it go, realising how lucky she was that Ben was still okay. She let out a long, trembling breath; it had come too close.

"Are you okay?" Tom's question snapped Sam out of her thoughts, she nodded,

"I am now," She pulled up a chair on the opposite side of the bed to Tom and they both sat there for a while watching the small child. Suddenly he made a murmuring sound which Sam thought was a sign of him waking up, but instead he yawned and rolled over; showing no signs that he was ready to finish sleeping. Sam smiled,

"He always does that; I can never tell what he's saying though,"

"He follows after you then," Sam gave him a puzzled look,

"You talk in your sleep as well, I heard you last night," Her cheeks reddened,

"Relax, you didn't actually say anything, just… mumbled for a bit," he laughed to himself but then sighed, remembering the previous night,

"Are you really okay Sam?" She looked down at her hands that had made their way onto her lap, she shrugged,

"I want to be…" She closed her eyes, wanting to hide from the pity-filled look Tom would have on his face, but when he said nothing she slowly opened them again. Tom's eyes were not filled with pity; yes they had a hint of sympathy, but they mostly showed admiration, which gave Sam more strength than a look of pity ever could. She couldn't help but smile.

Just at that moment Ben began to stir again, but this time waking up,

"Mummy? Tom?" Sam jumped up,

"Yeah, it's me," She smiled down at him, "It's okay to wake up now,"

Ben sat up slowly in bed yawning, "This doesn't look like my bedroom, have we moved house?" Sam laughed,

"No, were at the doctors"

"Is that were you work?"

"Yes,"

"But why am _I_ here? I thought you looked after poorly people, I'm not poorly,"

Sam looked nervously over at Tom; he gave her a small nod,

"You hurt your foot, don't you remember?" Ben screwed up his face in concentration and began speaking to himself under his breath, after a couple of minutes he looked up at Sam again,

"I was in a car, not our car though, and I was tired,"

"That's right, we came here in Tom's car and you must have fallen asleep"

"Oh! Okay then," Sam laughed again, she was thankful that he had taken everything so well, but she also envied him, or more his naivety; he was so carefree and took everything lightly, seemingly unaffected by the world around him. But then again she knew him better, and she knew how much he followed after her; who knows what he was bottling up.

"Come here you," She smiled and pulled Ben into her arms,

Tom hadn't spoken at all since Ben had woken up. He was in awe at seeing this whole new side of Sam. He watched the moment, not wanting to disturb it, knowing that he probably wouldn't get the chance again. Slowly she lowered Ben back onto the bed and pulled a blanket up around him, planting a soft kiss on his head, and before long he fell asleep, which Sam was thankful for. She sighed and tucked her knees under her chin, not once taking her eyes off him.

"It wasn't your fault you know,"

"I never said it was!" She unintentionally snapped; a force of habit,

"Yes, but I know you're thinking it," She lifted her head and looked him in the eye, she couldn't help but smile at the accuracy of his words,

"If I had just… not freaked out, then he wouldn't have ended up getting hurt. What sort of person throws a glass at a wall, whether there's a four year old in the house or not?!"

"Sam you had every right to 'freak out'!" He walked round and put his hand on her shoulder, "Please stop beating yourself up," Sam felt as though all her weight was leaning on that one hand, she hated this sense of dependency; she wasn't used to having support,

"Sorry,"

"For what,"

"For landing you in all of this, I shouldn't have involved you, or anyone else," She shook her head,

"Sam, I _want_ to help, you just need to start letting me in," Sam was silent for a moment, then she took a deep breath,

"I'm scared Tom, I'm really scared,"

**Hope you like it, please leave a comment if you have time xx :)**


End file.
